Who Jew?

This morning I was listening to an amazing song by Dan Bern called Lithuania. It's an uplifting little ditty about the death of his aunt, uncles, grandparents at the hands of the Nazis. And it includes the following stanza:

I sometimes want to dance on Hitler's grave, and shout out, "Groucho Marx, Lenny Bruce, Leonard Cohen, Philip Roth, Bob Dylan, Albert Einstein, Woody Allen, Abby Hoffman, Leonard Bernstein, Harry Houdini, Sandy Kofacs!"

Damn tootin'. And don't forget David Blain. And David Copperfield. And pretty much any other magician named David. And then there are the comedians -- don't even get me started. Ok, I've clearly already gotten started: Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Stewart, Billy Crystal, Al Franken, Rob Reiner, Andy Kaufman, Freddie Prinze (ok, he was only half Jewish but before his Puerto Rican side kicked his Jewish side's ass, Chico went by Frederick Pruentzel – The Man (Jack Albertson), on the other hand, grew up in Malden Mass. but I can neither confirm nor deny that he was Jewish), Rodney Dangerfield, Jack Benny, Hank Azaria, Joan Rivers, Weird Al, Mel Brooks, The Three Stooges (Moses and Shmeul Horwitz and Louis Feinberg -- an one act argument for stage names), Roseanne Barre, Woody Allen . . . and, of course, the patron saint of Chanukah, Adam Sandler.

All young Jews learn the "did you know he's a Jew?" game from a very early age. It is an essential part of Jewish child rearing. Growing up in New Hampshire, Sandler no doubt fully appreciated the "Who Jew?" game (it is a particularly important game when you are one of maybe a dozen Jews living in New Hampshire -- in the 80's, there were the Horniks, the Sandlers, the Sidores, the Helfmans, and that was pretty much it for the State). Just like Dan Bern, Sandler wasn't content simply knowing who's Jewish, he had to write about it:

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Thank God for the Chanukah Song because, quite frankly, it is just sad to only have that bullshit Dredle Dredle Dredle song when Christians have White Christmas and Silent Night and Jingle Bells. After thousands of pleas from Jewish mothers, The Chanukah Song II was born:

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren
And Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt
And all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

The Chanukah Song is a pretty natural extension of standard Jewish home schooling. I can remember my mother pointing out famous Jewish folk at a very early age. It must be in the Talmud somewhere. You are required by God to point out all the famous and/or important Jews in the world and, as a corollary, you must be generally distraught any time a Jew breaks a law or acts inappropriately or somehow manages to give the rest of us Jews a bad name. If you don't appreciate the magnitude of this "Jew Who?" obsession in the Jewish culture, take a look at Famous Jews Interactive or Jews In Sports (which claims to tell the "largely underappreciated story of Jewish athletes" -- no offense but it would be pretty darn hard to under appreciate Jewish athletes and a quick look at this site will confirm that). To appreciate the magnitude of this phenomenon, one need only search "famous Jews."

While it never seemed odd to take note of famous Jews when I was growing up, as I was driving this morning listening to Dan Bern's song, it struck me how nutty it really is. Can you imagine if Christians did the same thing.

"Gosh, Johnny, that was a great song by Reba Macintyre. Did you know she's a Christian?"

"I was watching Frasier the other night. That Kelsey Gramar is one funny Christian."

"George W. Bush sure is a fantastic President. You know, he's a Christian. So was his daddy George Herbert Walker Bush. As was our first President, George Washington. And the Great Emancipator, Abe Lincoln. As was Thomas Jefferson. And FDR. And JFK. And LBJ. Both Presidents John Adams were Christians. As was Herbert Hoover. And Woodrow Wilson. And Eisenhower. And Chester Arthur. And James Buchanan. And Jimmy Carter. And Grover Cleveland. And Bill Clinton. And Calvin Coolidge. And Millard Fillmore. And Gerald Ford. And Ulysses S. Grant. And Warren Harding. And Benjamin Harrison. And William Henry Harrison. And Rutherford B. Hayes. And Andrew Jackson. And James Madison. And William McKinley. And James Monroe. And Richard Nixon. And Franklin Pierce. And James K. Polk. And Ronald Reagan. And Teddy Roosevelt. And William H. Taft. And Zachary Taylor. And Harry Truman. And John Tyler. And, you know what, Martin Van Buren was a Christian too."

I suppose if Adam Sandler can write the Chanukah Song, it would be fair game for Will Farrell to write the Christmas Song. I imagine it going something like this:

Put on your sweater
gather ‘round the Christmas tree
here’s a little song I wrote
‘bout all the Christians like you and me

Elvis Presley, Elvis Stojko
And Elvis Costello,
Each and every Elvis
Is a fine Christian fellow

Guess who shops at Brooks Brothers
And Polo by Ralph Lauren
Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Russell Crowe
All beautiful Christian Men

Michael J. Fox and Michael Caine
Any Michael who bends sheet metal
But not Michael Landon
He belongs on “Little House On The Shtetl”
(that’s right, Papa Eugene Orowitz)

Davis Love
And the entire PGA
Kobe Bryant
And the rest of the NBA
Rick Nash
And all of the NHL
Tom Brady
Every man in the NFL

Serena and Venus Williams
NASCAR, Boxing, volleyball
Barry Bonds and Derek Jeter
Christian athletes one and all

If you're name is Jesus, Mary,
Or Christian its a clue-ish
I can't be sure but here's my guess
You probably aren't Jewish

So put on your sweater
Gather round the Christmas tree
The Jews may have the comedians
Everyone else is Christian like you and me

The funny thing is that I have been so programmed to associate accomplishment with Jewishness that as I went to write the Christmas Song, my first stanza was about Albert Einstein. Doh. He’s a Jew. Luckily, and ironically, while Jewish Mothers are brainwashing their children with the “Who Jew?” game, they are also subtly teaching their children that when all else fails, blame your mother (as they did before you, and their mothers did before them). So I guess it isn’t my fault. It’s my mothers. Who, coincidentally, is Jewish like Albert Einstein.

(Postscript: Ironically, after starting to write this post, I got distracted cruising around Dan Bern's website and happened upon an article written by Dan himself called "Great Gentile Athletes of the Early 1970s." Funny stuff.)

(Post Postscript: Further evidence of my deep seated bias, my initial stanza about famous Christian Michaels went like this:

Michael Douglas and Michael Moore
Any Michael who bends sheet metal
But not Michael Landon
He belongs on “Little House On The Shtetl”
(that’s right, Papa Eugene Orowitz)

But I am now informed that not only is Michael Douglas a Jew, so is Michael Moore. I hope Michael J. Fox and Michael Caine are Christians.)

(Post Post Postscript: Oy vey! Had to fix another stanza. Who would have guessed Tiger's a Buddhist? Aren't there any Christians out there?)

Comments

[Lauri]

I'd like to start a list of people we WISH were Jewish: Cesare Rosas and David Hidalgo, Ann Tyler, Kevin Henkes, Willie Nelson, Suzanne Vega, and Edie Falco are a few that make my list. But here's some good news: Michael Moore and Dr. Seuss -- both Jewish. And by the way, David, your blog is fabulous, and I crave more and more entries. Not just because I'm your sister.

[Steve Portigal]

I wish Bruce Springsteen was Jewish. Yeah, um, his real spelling was Springstein.

[Daniel]

Did you know that White Christmas was written by a Jew? Irving Berlin.

[Elvis]

Elvis Presley, Jewish

http://www.elvispresleynews.com/article1097.html

[Wayne]

Excellent article -- and here I thought only Canadians played that game. Plus, I thought Canada had a lock on the comedians:

Dan Akroyd, John Candy, jim Carrey, Tom Green, Eugene Levy, Norm MacDonald, Mike Myers, Steve Smith, Thomas Chong, David Foley, etc. etc.

-- Wayne (Not Jewish or Christian, but a Canadian)

[Josh]

Although we (the Jews) cannot claim Tiger Woods for our team, we can still enjoy the fact that neither can our arch-rivals, the Christians.

In fact, Tiger Woods is a Buddhist. The religion was passed to him from his mother, who, no doubt, pointed out to him all the famous Buddhists on TV.

[alberto]

I'm Mexican and I know a great Mexican Jew; his name is Jacobo Sabludosky and he was the head of the Mexican news broadcasting for over 20 years and now his grand children go to Harvard where I met them, which by the way, they are known to give Tiffany's gifts to Harvard personnel at the end of the school year. Gotta love them!

[Rich]

In the TV series Bonanza, with Michael Landon, the role of the patriarch, Ben Cartright, was played by Lauren Green, a former member of our families' synagogue in Toronto. So here is another Jewish Canadian, but not a comedian.

How many of you remember Wayne and Schuster?
Also Canadian and probably Jewish, Jonny Weingarten (Wayne). Both went to Harbord Collegiate (high school) with my Dad and did the same schticks then as on the Ed Sullivan Show, 65 appearances, more than any other act.

-- Rich, former Canadian

[victor]

i am from a s-t-a-u-n-c-h (props to little edie) christian home and we actually did play the "who's a christian" game. imagine the feeling of joy i had finding out that blair from "facts of life" had a crown of jewels waiting for her in heaven? or that football great rosie grier was doing it for the lord? (he also did needlepoint. i would suppose that was for the lord, too)

[Harris]

WIth regard to the Will Farrell version of the Chanuka song. There are errors

NHL: Schneider of Detroit, Halpern of Washington and a few others are Jewish

NFL: Miller of Pittsburgh, Fieldler of Miami, Rosenfels of Miami and a few others are Jewish. One of the drafted tackles on '04 is Jewish

MLB: Green of LA, Kapler and Youkilis of Boston, Levine of the White Sox, Ausmus of Houston, Lieberthal of Philly, Schoenweis of Chicago Sox, Marquis of St Louis, Newhan of Baltimore and a few others

NBA--no one--but Blutenthal has just signed an LA King 3 month contract

PGA - I do not know. SR PGA Tour: Fleisher, Levi, Hatalsky and others

Jesus and his disciples--Jews
All Hebrew Christians for the 30 years after Jesus death--Jews-an early religious requirement for entry into Christianity when it was a sect of Judaism

Many famous Christmas song-sung and written by Jewish composers/lyricists

Hopefully we can all learn to get along. The USA seems far ahead of many places in this world. The French should follow suit

[Andrew Kushner]

Great site. Here is one for you historians: Civil Way historian Shelby Foote, half Jewish, raised in Mississippi, grandson of itinerant peddler who married the plantation owner's daughter. Went to synagogue in his youth but converted in college due in face of anti-semitism he experienced.

Go figure.

[Amber Doris]

David you were a great inspiration growing up...So great, that when I was young...I used to want to be Jewish...seriously. I told Louise Allaire that we were Jewish..we just were celebrating Christmas that particular year. hehehe. the things us crazy kids do. Take care David...amber

[A.H. II]

Can we have our media back? -World

Jewish percentages in the media are sickening.

[Jas]

Frida Kahlo's father was Polish Jew

[Hebee Heebstien]

Ron Jeremy is a Jew too.

You all should be proud.

Oy

[Jewey Schnozenstien]

All of the Freidmans, Arnold, David (Silly Billy the birthday clown) and Jesse, all of them notorious convicted and self-admited serial child molestors, JEW.

Standing and applauding, you GO jews1

[Dave]

Would you please stop with the Jewish nationalism. We're all just the same human race regardless of ethnic background or colour.
I cant believe some of you WISH people were jewish - thats just crazy.
and im not anti-semetic, im jewish myself but this is the sort of stuff that gives jews a bad name

[cass]

thanks for that last comment dave...i am of german jewish decent and i too think ethnocentricity has to stop in all its forms.....focusing too strongly on ones genetic or religious orientation is annyoing and is perceived by most as a form of racism....it is a tough question to answer though, where pride begins (which is ok) and eleitism does (which is bad bad stuff people and can bleed into an arrogance which is sickening)....

we are one race. i have never seen someone give a job to someone because they are 'chrisitan' but, sadly, i have seen this happen in the jewish community VERY often...'oh, why dont you just let sauls boy have the internship?' it is disturbing, unjust in the greatest sense of the word, and reinforces racial stereotypes people have about jews....it is exactly the same as if someone did not give someone a job because they were a jew....

we need to get along and nurture one another as an entire species....koreans, germans, blacks, christians, eskimos, jews, palestinians, muslims, french, latino, whatever.....

stop ethnocentricity!!!! most the wars on this planet come from ethnocentric origins.....it serves no one in moving toward a peaceful world

phew.......

this is a funny blog though....

[nathan]

To the German Jew,

What's wrong with being proud of being Jewish, the same as i would be proud if i was Black, Muslim or American

[mark trivial]

Hollywood s never been holly. it s all the being led by jews. why you guys think that most of the actors and actreses are jews? just make a google search. .some of them changed their jewish names to christian names. i am not antisemite.. nothing wrong with being jew.. but i guess you know my point.
check out my blog for more..
nice blog..

[Sem van Gelder]

And don't forget the chess players! Let's confine ourselves to the world champions: Wilhelm Steinitz, Emanuel Lasker (for 27 years!), Michael Botwinnik, Vassily Smyslov, Michael Tal, Boris Spassky, Bobby Fischer and Garry Kasparov (half-Jewish, his father bears the name Weinstein).
And among the grand masters there are scores of them - listing all would take up more than a half page.

By the way, how about Vladimir Horowitz, Jascha Heifetz, Isaac Stern?
And the jazz musicians Stan Getz, Al Cohn, Lou Levy, Terry Gibbs, Teddy Charles (Cohen), Dave Brubeck, Sonny Berman, Red Rodney, Benny Goodman, Stan Levey, Shelly Manne, Herbie Mann etc.

Better I should stop already!

[NobodyLikesAJew]

This is unbelievable, look and your stupid beedy eyes and your big crooked jew nose, I only wish you had all been finished off in those gas chambers. Someday we will see the end of your kind, and a good day it will be.

[David Bernstein]

I agree with NobodyLikesAJew. I am a jew myself, and I wish everyday that I had been born a life worth living. All the jews I know disgust me. They a trciky little scumbags. If you know one avoid him/her and if you don't, pray that you never will. Along with most other people on the earth, I do hope a second coming will arrive soon. I will gladly give my own life to take another 6 million with me. The filth on this earth will be wiped clean.

[JMG]

I'm not jewish, but I work for a media company owned by jews (what do you know) and you wouldn't believe what we get paid.
I know I should not complaint, maybe I should shut the f up and find a better job, but I couldn't resist the temptation and I had to give my opinion.
Is like they don't really value people, what they do for them.
They are mexican jews -like zabludowsky- and they (privately) own a spanish speaking media conglomerate. They make millions (about 106 last year) but obviously they don't like to share any of it.
salaries are about half of what the industry (spanish media) pays and only about a third of regular media (abc, nbc, cbs, fox, etc.) pays.
That's abuse, but then again, we let it happen.
Other than that, I have nothing against my bosses, and I have nothing against any other jew.
By the way, if you want to know who they are, just find out who produces the mexican version of -speaking of the devil- jerry springer, raunchier and practically uncensored.
The host name is jose luis.

[DWPittelli]

Don't forget science.

"At least 176 Jews and persons of half-Jewish ancestry have been awarded the Nobel Prize,1 accounting for 23% of all individual recipients worldwide between 1901 and 2007"

http://www.jinfo.org/Nobel_Prizes.html